I think for the first time, I experienced what it feels like to be around the Holy Spirit outside of church. I can’t remember a time when I was around someone whose energy was so pure, wholesome, good, life-giving, loving, and joyful, which describes this coworker whom I will call “Ethan.” Ethan was temporarily assigned to my site for the week, covering for another coworker who was away on some other assignment. Without knowing this guy’s personal beliefs and faith, I could tell something was different about him. I have heard people say things like, “There’s something different about ____” in reference to an individual before they found out that this person was a Christian. I thought it was just a cliché until I met Ethan.
From Day One, I noticed some things that stood out to me. He said things like he “prayed to the Universe” when he talked about his journey from Kentucky to California. The other coworker who was in the room, whom I will call “Maggie” (my work bestie) asked Ethan what made him come out to California on a whim. He shrugged his shoulders and said “opportunities.” He came to California with nothing in his pockets, no job lined up for him, and he was homeless for six months upon arrival. Maggie asked, “But weren’t you afraid?” He shook his head and said, “Nope. I walk by faith, not by sight.” When I went home that night, I thought to myself, Ethan talks like he’s a Christian because he’s saying things that sound biblical, yet he said he prayed to the “Universe,” so I was a little confused but still intrigued. I also felt ashamed that I, calling myself a Christian, have less faith than someone who prays to the “Universe,” and I supposedly serve the God who created the universe and everything in it.
As time went on, I closely observed this guy, and he has been a ball of positive energy. The conversations that Maggie and I have had with this guy just flowed. Ethan shared about his wife, and they got married less than a year ago on his birthday. Another golden nugget he dropped was, “What’s meant for you will not pass you up.” Maggie, Ethan and I are all temps in this work that we do, and when Maggie asked him if he was worried about not having a job at the end of this assignment, he said, “Nope,” and proceeded to say something along the lines of knowing that there are good things in store, and he is patient enough to wait and see what that will be. I could tell that he had not a care in the world…he consoled Maggie and told her not to worry. I said, “Hakuna matata, right?” We all just laughed and rolled with it.
It was the week of Cesar Chavez Day, meaning that we had a short week because we had Monday off. I was a little bummed about that, and when Friday came (my day to work from home), I went to work anyway because I just wanted to be around Ethan’s energy. There’s a wholesome goodness about him that’s so magnetic that it pulled my spirit in. I just needed one more day to work with him before he returns to his regular assignment.
I think Friday, which ironically happened to be April Fool’s Day, was one of the most transformative days of my life, especially because all three of us took off our masks and revealed where we were at in our faith. Ethan brought his bible to work and read it in front of us. In my head I was thinking, it’s so obvious he’s trying to strike a conversation about God without saying anything. I was also thinking in my head, well it’s good that you want to show that you are a Christian, but you’re at work, so you should be working. Why are you reading the Bible when you should be working? Remembering what he said earlier in the week about praying to the “Universe” and now seeing him read the bible, I was curious to ask about the disconnect. We had a conversation about something, and I segued into, “I admire your faith. My faith level is not where you’re at and I wish it were.” Soon enough, the conversation turned into Maggie and I opening up and asking Ethan tons of questions about faith.
“I wish I could share my faith like you do. I believe, but I don’t share my faith because how can you, if you don’t have much faith to begin with? My anxiety, worry and fears block my faith and I don’t know how to let go,” I said. This whole time, I haven’t really shared my faith with Maggie because she opened up to me about how she and God are not on talking terms. She’s been through so much pain, and I feel intimidated by her story. I, having been through so much pain myself, don’t even know how to witness to someone when I am still struggling in my own pain. Hebrews 12:1 states, “Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a huge crowd of witnesses to the life of faith, let us strip off every weight that slows us down.” For me, I know for sure that fear, anxiety, worry, hatred and bitterness weigh me down. I am facing it with therapy to peel away those layers, but ugh, it’s a long work in progress. This healing process feels like it’s taking forever.
I asked Ethan, “You’re close to your mom, huh?” He said yes. Throughout the week, he talked about his mom in a positive manner and shared memories about her. From what I learned in therapy and reading a lot of books, I know that even if you have only one parent who’s there for you to love, nurture and support you, your brain would not be as damaged as someone who’s been abused and/or neglected by both parents. When I lived with my mom, I described her to my coworkers as living under a “reign of terror.”
I have heard it said, “The way you view your dad is how you see God.” If your dad was distant or absent, then God seems distant/absent. If your dad was harsh and abusive, you see God as an angry judge in Heaven, waiting for you to make a mistake so He can punish you. As I talked, I realized that I became a Christian out of fear, not out of love. Most of my relationships and friendships have been characterized by fear — not that the people inspired fear in me, but because I have never felt safe enough in my own skin to be my authentic self around others. I feel socially accepted if I am giving, loving, and so on, but when I open up about my pain and complain about things, then people say I am being negative. I have learned over time not to complain but to stay quiet and to process my complaints with my therapist who will only “handle” me professionally for one hour every two weeks for a price, because no one wants to be around a complainer. Since I never felt safe enough to be myself, I never really gave people a chance to be a safe space for me. I never opened up myself to give anyone a chance to be rejected, because I don’t think I could handle that pain just yet. The few times I did express my truth, my expression was met with rejection, and I shut down after that because I felt like my voice didn’t matter.
Children who grew up with a strong relationship with their parents are equipped with inner strength to take the risks because they aren’t afraid to fall. They are also more likely to connect with God more intimately if they do find God. I said to Ethan, “You came to California because you knew that someone had your back.” He turned to me and said, “But you do have someone who has your back. That’s God. Do you seek Him with all your heart? You will find him if you seek Him with all your heart. Do you ask? Do you knock? The scripture says that knock and the door will be opened…but do you believe? It says in James that if anyone asks for wisdom, they will find it, but you cannot doubt.” He read James 1:5-8 out loud. I have been told many times that I “live inside my head.” I think my human reasoning stands in the way of my faith, because I always find a reason why God won’t answer a specific prayer.
I asked Ethan how he found God. He said that he was a firm un-believer, although his mom was a woman of faith. She tried talking to Ethan about God, but he wouldn’t listen. He wanted to get out of Kentucky and explore California, and in essence, to find himself. He started praying to the “Universe” for signs, and he opened himself up to whatever would guide him. He prayed for purpose, and he followed the signs that led him from point A to point B. One day, he prayed and asked the “Universe” who has been guiding him, and the answer that came to him was Jesus. At first he said, “Nooooooooo!” because he didn’t want believe that. However, based on all the signs he’s received and how each step led to something better and better, he knew he couldn’t deny it anymore, and so he fully surrendered his life to God and acknowledged that it was Jesus this whole time who led the way. I don’t know about Maggie, but I was simply floored by what he said.
And then I realized the distinction between obedience and deeds of faith. Oftentimes when we hear “deeds of faith,” it is often said in the context of obedience. Genuine faith produces good deeds. If you say you have faith but your life doesn’t show righteousness, then your faith is dead. “Show me your faith without deeds, and I’ll show you my faith by what I do” (James 2:17). I’m beginning to realize that living by faith is more than just obedience. Obedience is just at the start of faith – you do what is required, which is omitting sin and being transformed in Christ’s likeness.
“But whenever someone turns to the Lord, the veil is taken away. For the Lord is Spirit, and wherever the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom” (2 Corinthians 3:16-17, NLT).
“And we, who with unveiled faces all reflect the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into His image with intensifying glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit” (2 Corinthians 3:18, Berean Study Bible).
There’s obedient faith, and then there’s transcendent faith. I feel that the latter is more powerful, because it’s the kind of faith leads people to God or closer to Him. It inspires awe and wonder when people hear about deeds that were done in faith rather than deeds that were done out of obedience. Living by faith is risky, exciting and adventurous; it requires courage, trust in God, and knowing that God’s got your back when things don’t work out the way you pictured it. Even so, “…we know that in all things, God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to His promise” (Romans 8:28). Living by faith helps you to be fully alive, and you have to allow yourself to feel the full gamut of emotions, from pain and grief to life’s greatest joys.
I know that it is far easier and more comfortable to not allow yourself to feel pain because you don’t want to be disappointed again. You don’t want to go through that pain ever again, so you numb yourself to other possibilities that may open you up to that level of vulnerability. With God as your safety net, however, you can cast your anxiety on Him and learn to trust in Him. The only way you’ll learn is to practice and get up every time you fall (Proverbs 24:16).
Musingz 4 Life 